Om Sree Matre Namaha!
My name is Sundar D, living in the USA and have been a student of Sri Sivapremanandaji (Guruji) for almost 10 years now. I have been blessed to get the auspicious initiations from Guruji for Maha Varahi Sadhana, Sri Vidya Sadhana (levels 1-7), Sri Durga Sapthashathi, Sri Raja Mathangi Sadhana, Sri Vancha Kalpalatha Ganapathi Sadhana and Sri Dattatreya and Anagha Lakshmi Sadhana. Guruji has always said – “Ask for the Truth than anything else” and today I feel blessed enough to say that “I” am awakened of the truth. I want to take this opportunity to share all my experiences thus far on how the Guru graced me first and my experience with each of the Sadhana till this date. Guruji is selfless and beyond this need for me to express my experiences, but I still want to do it for myself and for all those current and to be seekers. I have tried to relate my journey to many of Guruji’s teachings and how they manifested for me. This is in hope that it will be relatable and useful for many fellow seekers who are in this journey and also take this as a great opportunity to express gratitude to Guruji for his selfless service of initiating each of us and hand holding us towards liberation!
Divine Mother’s compassion – How my journey lifted off
have always been a seeker, naturally inclined towards learning to meditate and through my initial years, obtained initiations from different Gurus and tried meditation. While all of those were good up to a certain point, I never really was able to uplift after a certain stage. Life has its ups and downs and I too was at a stage where I felt like kneeling down with desperation to survive from the several challenging life situations. At that point, there was a calling to visit one of very famous Ambigai temple in south India and I was blessed to have Her darshan when almost no one else was around me (hardly one or two visiting the temple at that time of the day). Her loving and graceful look pierced through me and tears was overflowing from me just for no reason! That darshan changed my life and I craved to know all about Her since then and learnt Her many forms and spent a lot of time reading Her various scripts and stories. This Bhakthi form of outward worship continued for sometime and although it was immense bliss performing those sadhanas, I was still feeling stuck with many things on the inside and I was unable to get any more closer to Mother on the inside due to this. Our Guruji always says, “if you sincerely seek, you will get help in any form possible”. I have always felt blessed with guidance whenever I have been in desperate need. My Brother (who had already got initiated from Guruji and experienced many spiritual upliftment at that time) just mentioned to me about Guruji and the Sri Vidya Sadhana (we never discussed this before). At that time, I had many mis-understandings about what Tantra meant and hence I was a little bit confused whether to seek this initiation and left it to Divine Mother Herself to guide me. But, in a week’s time, I was just pulled into requesting for an initiation from Guruji somehow – I would say to myself, Mother directed me to the Master.
Sri Vidya Sadhana: Levels 1 – 3
I got initiated by Guruji (distance initiation) for the first 3 levels and I could spend about 25 minutes maximum meditating and I was very anxious expecting some experiences, visions and other things that I had no idea what to expect – Result was nothing! My mind was very active, anxious and also scared to see something that is not practically possible. My love towards Divine Mother was still the same, but from a meditation experience I was probably over imagining.
Level 4-7: Bala TripuraSundari Sadhana & beyond
Guruji initiated me to Her sadhana again through distance and at the same time, my Brother happened to visit and stay with me. Sometimes, we just need that positive vibrations to reset the mind and the same happened where he was practicing his daily meditations at our home. After a few days he had left, I was stunned to experience many different visions starting from Sri Bala Herself first appearing and asking me “I have been waiting for you, when are you going to be ready to get uplifted?” this was stunning as I have never experienced real experiences even in dream, and for it happen in a sitting meditation was something I could not believe! After this and during the course of completing all Sri Vidya levels (Level 7), many different visions of various forms of Mother forms appearing and conveying many things which sometimes I could not really understand, but certainly felt out of the world! After Level-7 initiation is complete, Guruji sent a message indicating “Now Divine Mother is your direct Guru and She will guide you from here on”. I actually felt sad at that point because I thought I will not be able to interact and get guidance from Guruji that frequently and I wasn’t sure how Mother can come directly and guide me as he would. But I simply didn’t understand that time was Guruji in fact hand holding me and getting me in front of Divine Mother’s direct presence, which is something cannot be accomplished without a Guru’s grace.
Here are few of my experiences for the readers:
In one such instance, I was practicing Level 7 and I had completely missed to say the full mantra during the meditation there was a vision where several people were walking and suddenly one Lady turned around and looked at me and Her Eyes penetrated me and I understood the message She conveyed was for me to complete the mantra properly! There have been many instances of nightmares where I have seen many things of my inner fears manifesting as dreams, dark realities etc. Guruji always emphasized “Once you are initiated, Divine Mother will let no harm. The Sadhana process sheds one’s inner locks and takes the minimal impact way out in the form of dreams. This is a cleaning up process”.
Guruji always says, “Once you are initiated in this Parampara, there are many Sidhars who will come and guide you in some shape or form”. I have had many vivid dreams of Sidhars interacting, initiating and blessing me and every time I wake up feeling like coming back from a different world. Guruji has taught how to ask our questions through our Higher Self and Guru Parampara and the more the sadhana and practice, I have experienced getting answers almost the same day either through dreams or through unexpected people carrying the answers which they don’t realize. For example, I have known when I am about to find the next job, when I am about find the right home, birth of child, right name for children and many other things.
Guruji always says, “there are many things you can ask and manifest it, but, better yet, leave the solution of what is best for you to Divine Mother because what one thinks as what they need may not be the right one” – it has been a wonderous experience following this and experience how Mother manifests the best possible solution for each of the challenges I had faced. In another vivid dream, I was living in historic times and in that too, I am practicing Sri Vidya Sadhana. While I was doing the sadhana, a lady comes and knocks on our front door. Even though my wife mentions that I am doing my sadhana, She insists to meet and talk to me. So, I had to stop my meditation mid-way and I come out a little bit irritated. I then ask Her, who She was and She was not willing to show Her face to me. When I insisted, she turns to me and I see Her face which includes Her third eye at the center of Her forehead. After seeing this, I could not stand steadily on the ground and realize it is Mother Divine Herself! She immediately hides Her third eye seeing my struggles and She sits down and continues her conversations.
Guruji has always said and I am phrasing this in my own words “It is possible for us to seek anything from Divine Mother, even to the extent of Mother’s complete presence in one’s lifetime. However, always seek for the Truth because only the Truth will liberate one not only in the current life but beyond as well. All other manifestation will only be to the current lifetime.” I will write about my Truth-seeking phase a little later in this article. But, for now I want to write about my experiences on the various other sadhanas that Guruji had initiated me with.
Varahi Sadhana
Although I was very happy doing the Sri Vidya Sadhana, I was also always thrilled to experience many other forms of Mother and the first one I requested Guruji was to get initiated with Mother Varahi. She is fierce and at the same time very kind and loving. The more the love and surrender I show towards Her, She simply makes Herself available to take care of my needs. I have had many challenging situations at work where I needed Her support at many levels and She has just weaved Her magic.
Guruji says “When praying to Mother Varahi, ensure to request that only good should come out of one and no harm” – She manifests several qualities that I didn’t know existed in me and enabled me to excel. Guruji also says “We can invoke Her Mantra for protection for oneself and also for others”. I start my daily meditations with only Her mantra as protection shield for myself and to others who are in need. I have literally seen many of those for whom I have requested Her presence getting healed quickly. Me and my friend (who is also a Sri Vidya Sadhak) have this practice of going on a walk discussing about many experiences of different Masters and their evolutions. During one of those days, we were walking towards my car only to notice someone has scrapped on it. On a closer look, it was a standing form of Mother Varahi Herself with Her whip!
Sri Chakra
After my request, Guruji energized and blessed me with the 3D Sri Yantra structure along with instructions on simplified Puja process and the benefits from having the same at home. I have been diligently doing the worship every full moon (Guruji at a minimum recommends to do the worship every Full and New Moon days) and I have at many times seen the manifestation of the spiritual or materialistic desires that I have sought. Many times, I have desired for a darshan from the Mother and She had responded with many vivid dreams of Her. I have sought solutions to challenging situations and have experienced miraculous positive changes happening as well.
Ma Durga Saptashati
I was immensely attracted to the form of Durga even prior to Guruji’s calling and I have tried to read the entire Durga SaptaShati during Navaratri times. Guruji’s initiation on Ma Durga SaptaShati and the workshop explanations of Mother’s powers and how She can help the Sadhak still gives me goosebumps!
In short, Guruji says “to perform Durga sadhana prior to Sri Vidya Sadhana so that Mother Durga will help resolve all the inner demons and get the Sadhak ready to receive the truth from Sri Vidya Sadhana”. Also, He says “The Siddha Kunjika Stotram includes all the powers of different Mother forms such as Ma Varahi, Ma Kali, Ma Parvati etc. and that this one Stotram will get all the combined manifestation and blessing overall”. Given the time constraint, I could only recite the Siddha Kunjika Strotram as part of the meditation routine daily and only this raises my energies instantaneously and makes me feel full spiritually knowing that all the forms of Mother’s manifestation have arrived! Personally, I prefer to see Durga represented as the 3 Shaktis – Ma Saraswati, Ma Parvati and Ma Laxmi. So, in one of my vivid dreams, I saw Ma Saraswati and Ma Laxmi visiting our home to play with our son taking turns in order. Later, I hear our front door being knocked and run to see who it was. Through the glass, I notice Ma Parvati in green gas form telling me that She is waiting for Her turn to come in!
Raja Matangi/Raja Shyamala
She is pure magic to say in one word! Sage Kalidasa’s “Manikya Veenam Upalalayantim” is magical rendition on the Mother and that magic and sweetness of the verses led me to request for Her Sadhana as well. Performing Her sadhana is magical every time and She has ensured to establish my presence at workplace, be it in speech or be it in tough situations that require winning over peers and leadership! In Guruji’s workshop videos, He has detailed all the manifestations that She will bring to the Sadhak and in my case they have indeed manifested.
Sri Vancha Kalpalatha Ganapathi
This is one of the forms of Mother that I never realized existed until Guruji initiation. Very powerful meditation and the intensity of the vibrations are immense. Guruji says, “The sadhana will guide the Sadhak to get a full darshan of Mother in the materialistic form as we continue to practice and perform with love and devotion”.
Lord Dattatreya and Anagha Lakshmi Sadhana
Given that I have taken many initiations and at a point of seeking Truth, whatever it is, I was not inclined to take any more initiations at this time. However, the more I strive to go beyond, I realized that for a house holder, there needs to be a good balance of family harmony and general wellness for the Sadhak to move forward in this effort. I felt that this balance was not right at my end. One day, I felt stuck and was seeking a way out of this situation from Divine Mother and our Gurus. In the next couple of days, I noticed that Guruji had opened up Lord Dattatreya Sadhana first time for distance seekers. I noticed a certain pull towards taking up this sadhana and felt vibes that this may be the solution I am looking for. Guruji initiated me upon request and found the entire sadhana very captivating and the power of Dattatreya Himself. A friend of us, unexpectedly invited us to visit a Sri Vidya temple in NY which is completely dedicated to the Sri Vidya tradition. This trip was completely unexpected for us, and I could see all the Sri Vidya mantras offered to the huge Maha Meru at the temple. More importantly in this context, I was completely blown away to realize that the Parampara of the temple traditions and the Guru originated from Lord Dattatreya Himself and there was a separate Altar dedicated for Him. I immediately realized that my visit to the temple was no coincidence but a true calling! After doing the Sadhana for some time, I realized that our home struck at the right balance, ambience and harmony all that Guruji has explained in the workshop videos. More importantly, Guruji explains how Lord Dattatreya Sadhana opens up the Guru Tattva in the Sadhak!
Truth Seeking Phase & My Self Awakening
As the visions from meditation sessions and all of those vivid dreams, the manifestation of inner desires blessed by the various forms of Divine Mother, all of these created enormous craving in me to seek more and reach something beyond what I am. But I certainly did not understand what I was seeking though. I spent a lot of time reading about experiences starting from our Guruji to other various Masters such as Paramahamsa Yogananda, Baba Lokenath, Sri M, Sadhguru Vasudev, Om Swami, Sri Amritananda Saraswati etc. in order to understand what it feels like to experience “Englightenment”. I also spent a lot of time discussing these experiences with friends who are also in the path of spiritual seeking. This helped me in keeping the mind focused in the pursuit of the truth. To be honest, I never understood what the experience would be and worried that reaching any higher conscious state would mean a complete detachment from my family! I had written about my concern to Guruji and He had replied – “Seeking the Truth or Self Realization is the ultimate for a house holder and He recommends everyone to seek for the same as it helps the seeker to lead a high quality of life with awareness”. Hence, I started this seeking more and more with confidence. Guruji always says “Do the Soham breathing after practicing Level-7 of Sri Vidya Sadhana so that it allows the absorbed higher consciousness to flow through the body and enables to be ready to receive the Truth”. All of my visions and experiences were during performing the Soham breathing. For me, the Soham breathing allowed me to observe the thoughts but not indulge with it while the energy flow from the Sadhana was circulating throughout my body. The desire to know the Truth kept increasing day by day, meditation sessions were blissful but I was not receiving the answers (and I still did not know what I was seeking). That is when I came upon a book from another Self Realized Master and since I always had an urge to read, understood a simple method to visualize and group the thoughts during the Soham breathing.
Next Morning Meditation… The theory became the experience! I just realized I am the Self all along and not the body nor the mind. It will sound simple and silly as it is – but, to actually experience this is simply out of the world. The Truth is right there all along, but I just could not see it till then. It was the mind that captivates us all in the illusion. If you have watched the movie – The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis spends the entire movie investigating and looking to find answers everywhere, and in the end, he realizes whatever he is looking for is all inside him! It is that feeling.
When we want to say the word I (as in the phrase “I did it”), we often put our hand on our chest. Since the Awakening happened, “I” feel that there is no I- The Identity or at least it is shaken, or disappearing. This feeling is immense, stunning and emotional! Did I go through long hours of Samadhi state? – I don’t know because as I am time bound, I have always kept my alarm to wake myself from the meditations and within that timeframe I do have thoughts in between, but definitely considerable amount of time slips away Do I feel detached from family and everything else? – No. I just feel fine at every moment so far, wherever and whatever I am doing. There is awareness observing what I am doing without any judgement or indulgence and conflicts. Am I free from all pains and sufferings? – No. I feel that the body and mind will go through its course. But, “I am” observing and unaffected. “I“I the Self” that resides in this body is utilizing the mind rather than the other way round. I don’t angry at all anymore? – No. “I” see my mind getting annoyed or irritated and sometimes anger. But, as “I” continue to observe, those emotions pass through very quickly and “I am” laughing inside and out. Is everything complete within me now? – I still seek to experience the Truth in completion, not sure what it is yet. There is this general feeling of fullness inside at every moment. Mind seems to be slowing down from the past constant fluctuations and there by actions are more streamlined. Again, thank you for reading all of it till this point. I bow down to Guruji’s grace on all the initiations and guidance where He personally leads us towards Divine Mother and eventually to our liberation. This compilation of my experiences is a miniscule contribution to show how Guru’s initiations, teachings and invisible personal hand-holding has transformed me thus far. Also, for a house-holder, family and friend’s support in the journey are also important to strike the right balance and I have been lucky to have this through my brother as a medium, my wife for letting me explore in this journey and supporting me all through (spiritual evolvement through this phase has its ups and downs, and many times mind/ego will stand in the way) and for my friends to spend time discussing there by motivating each other through the journey.
The Self Journey continues…
Om Sreee Maatre Namah
Om Mulanji Namah Om